Rest
It’s Saturday evening and I’m sitting at a picnic table off Main Street by myself with a hot peppermint tea to go, noise cancelling headphones in my ears but no music playing because I’m reading my book. There are whispers of shame and embarrassment that I have to consistently hush but this is what I wanted to do, this is what my mind and body needed. Fresh air and no agenda. In moments like this I can sometimes worry that I should be “out on the town”, having a cocktail, just getting back from a hike that I started at 7am, joining friends to watch the hockey game, doing all the wedding planning that I thought I’d get to today… but I didn’t get to do those things. Today just wasn’t the day to do them.
As much as life is short, you are allowed to have slower, quieter, restful days that don’t seem productive, that don’t check off all your to-do list boxes. There will be days to do those things, plenty of days. I’ll probably have more of those days than the kind I’m having right now.
I’m having what I call a “fatigue day”. It’s where you wish you could get back in bed before you’ve even gotten out. My legs were heavy today, my eyes strained, my head foggy. Pulling my feet out of the covers and onto the floor felt like swimming upstream, but I knew once I got moving, I could rally myself for a shower and that would wake me up for work.
I had plans for myself today, though I’ve been learning to hold those loosely. I wanted to wake up, spry and chipper, make tea, do pilates, and meditate before getting on with my day. Maybe I could fit in a quick walk before sitting down at my desk. But in reality, all I accomplished was a shower. And, though oftentimes I don’t practice the grace I deserve, I’m learning that it’s ok if that’s all I could do.
I’ve been slowly changing my tune when it comes to rest. I’ve rolled my eyes at past-me being so eager to improve my productivity, once disappointed for not seizing the day, always pushing myself harder even when it didn’t feel good. I’ve accepted that you need to rest in order to be able to show up differently the next day. Now, this doesn’t mean that I still don’t get down on myself sometimes, but it’s never too late to turn my mindset around to being more gentle towards myself, more forgiving and more cognizant of all the things at play that are requiring me to rest. Things like: I started a new treatment and just took my second dose two days ago. My body has been in flux between chills and heat waves, grogginess, and congestion as it becomes ever so slightly more immunosuppressed. I’m still fighting a cold I got two weeks ago that starting treatment didn’t do any favours for. I forget that having lesions means my brain has to work harder and therefore burns more energy, so the exhaustion is also reflective of me just being drained and probably in need of more water and nutrients. So when I say “oh boy, I’m tired”… there is no more shame where I once associated “tiredness” with “laziness”. There is no more impressing me or anyone else for pushing myself past what I am currently capable of that day.
And truthfully, I’ve come to enjoy these “fatigue days” (after I’ve calmed down all those parts of myself that initially kick and scream in retaliation) because once I acknowledge what it is my body is needing, I know that there’s no pressure from anything outside of it. I have free reign to do whatever it is I want to do - read, write, walk by the water, nap, paint, get a latte, smell some flowers, watch a movie, buy myself something cute! It’s become a moment to reset, be present, think kindly towards myself, tap into something creative, enjoy the sun (or rain). I can treat myself, guilt free, to the things that gently rebuild my energy and calm my system for a tomorrow that is hopefully a little less tired.