I find myself wanting to write about what I’ve been going through… but I always end up asking myself, “for who?” Things often don’t translate the same way on paper as they do in my mind so would it really make sense to someone else? The fluidity and intimacy of my thoughts often turns rigid and self-conscious when written out, losing the visuals and feelings that make them so powerful and transformative to me in the moment.

But at the same time… I do see myself falling into unsustainable waves of stress where I so quickly pick back up thought spirals that I once worked so hard to break out of. A lot of good, hard work can be undone so quickly when you lose that consistency of choosing new thoughts and practicing boundaries. Sometimes I wish I did write more to stay consistent with new patterns of thinking and so that, in those moments of spiraling, I can go back and reflect on what got me through a lull before. 

So, I decided the answer to “for who?” is me. To build a comfortability with articulating how I’m really doing, what I’m learning, how I’m processing. To create a collection of growth and a-ha moments that I can lean on and reference. To instill new pathways of thought and soften the patterns of intrusive thinking, defensive habits, and unnecessary anxieties. Essentially, to heal.

I was diagnosed with MS (multiple sclerosis) in May 2022. My partner and I had just moved across the country, our life still in boxes, our hopes still naively high as we drove, just a week after arriving, to my neurologist referral thinking that maybe it could be all in my head. Sadly that wasn’t how it panned out and she confirmed what a year of MRIs ultimately hinted at. I always feared that I would get MS, ever since my dad was diagnosed 12 years ago. In a twisted way, I sometimes worry that I’d spoken my own diagnosis into existence. For years, knowing what symptoms to look for, I would all too often jump to the worst case scenario any time I tripped over an uneven sidewalk or felt pins and needles in my feet. So, it felt like the universe had sinisterly yelled “gotcha!” when it was finally confirmed.

MS has turned my life upside down, and in some ways, I feel, for the better… though other days I definitely don’t have that outlook. But these little posts are me working through it, processing the change, piecing together a new perspective. In the words of Ram Dass that speak so profoundly to me, “You can do it like it’s a great weight on you, or you can do it like it’s part of the dance.” Seeing MS as one of the many heavy things that I will get to experience in this lifetime, what matters most to me is how I choose to move with and through it, how my growth and learnings now will shape how I face other challenges that come upon my path.

And maybe someone, perhaps an overwhelmed 20-something year old receiving a diagnosis like mine or just a human having a casual existential/identity/quarter-life crisis like I did (/am), might find solace in some of these words that I write for myself. I always find an odd comfort in knowing that everyone else has some form of change they are facing. It’s the human experience, after all. I don’t really want to pretend anymore that I’m not living it.