Parts

Mural by Animalitoland: https://vanmuralfest.ca/blog/animalitoland

My greatest learning, one that has helped inform me most about myself and what healing I needed, is that humans are made up of parts. How we respond to conflict or change, how we function in a relationship or alone, how we speak to ourselves, how we speak to others, what needs we must have met, what dreams we allow ourselves to chase, what values we align ourselves with... these are all determined by the parts of us we've encountered throughout our experiences in life, the parts we've collected from childhood to now. We can be governed by the parts of us that experienced hurt, fear, anxiety, embarrassment, inferiority, anger, isolation, loneliness, pride, praise, approval, at all ages and all scenarios of our past. As we move through life, these parts influence our way of thinking and doing by taking over our decision-making with the emotions and beliefs they were founded on, many being young, outdated, uninformed, and fearful, but all with the intention of protecting us.

I met with a therapist two days before I started my treatment journey and she changed my whole world. Admittedly, I sought out therapy because I wanted someone to tell me what to do, show me what I needed in order to reduce stress, feel confident, and move forward with this diagnosis, without fear. What my therapist really showed me was that I held that power and only I could do these things for myself. I could feel connected, courageous, curious, and balanced, if I could just go inward.

She introduced me to Internal Family Systems (IFS), a model in psychology that I connected with so quickly. It allowed me to pause and go inward, to identify and connect with parts of me responsible for repeating emotions, reactions, habitual thoughts, and harmful beliefs that were keeping me in a state of constant stress and strain. There is an intricate system of intertwined parts ranging from ages 4 to 21 (and I’m sure many more), dictating my reactions when triggered by scenarios that resembled their origin.

Each session felt like a mini-mushroom trip (often times bringing back visions from my previous hero’s dose) and I tapped into parts that I didn’t know would be there, each one connected to sensations I get when triggered – a tight throat, a heavy chest, a constricted abdomen, a tense brow, raised shoulders – but also yearnings and desires that I have sensed but never satisfied. You breathe space for your parts to come to light, to reveal themselves and all their burdens and memories, needs and opinions. You communicate with them and they tell you what happened that made them this way, they express how you can help them and give them what they need, whether that’s acknowledgement, attention, or comfort. Once you can show them that their burden can be lifted, that you can actually take it from here, they get to flourish in the goodness that they innately have, allowing you, your Self, to take the reins again and face the changes and challenges in life from a more balanced, confident, and capable perspective. It feeds into the notion that there are no bad parts, just parts that need healing.

I confronted parts that cause my interaction with MS to feel like I did something wrong, like it is my fault and now every person I tell will feel burdened and uncomfortable when I share with them my news. I have parts that make me feel shameful, like I must have sinned enough times in my past to warrant this level of punishment (religious trauma, am I right?). I have parts that make me want to keep MS a secret because it’s embarrassing and gives the perception that my life isn’t perfect, that I am flawed. I have parts that make me feel scared that my best years are behind me, that make me feel regret and resentment for the times in life that I wished away quickly. And I say “have” because they’re still in there, I still need to take care of them. They can still resurface and try to take control when I face stress or confrontation if I don’t continue to nurture them how they need. My young parts need playfulness and moments of freedom to be childlike, to just run wild or get creative. My teen parts need reassurance and reminders that I’m ok as I am, that not everyone will like or accept me but I do I have to like myself. My young adult parts need moments of calm, time to breathe, to re-centre and trust that I know what is best for me, that I don’t need to live by anyone else’s standards or opinions.

I feel indebted to my therapist who taught me how to feel whole and grounded in a moment where I was so conflicted and imbalanced from all of these parts trying to dictate how I was going to deal with this. There was also an affirmation and mutual acknowledgement of the connection between internal healing and physical healing that was really helpful to have early on. It has given me an ability to take control a bit in this phase of life where a lot is out of my control, to make intentional changes and seek impactful healing that will inevitably benefit my physical health. It won’t cure me by any means or erase my lesions, but it’s better than the opposite of living in the same stressed state, perpetually getting more inflamed and more hurt, because I’m afraid to confront what’s underneath it. But in reality, what’s underneath it all is just lots of young mes asking to be heard and supported, and to give them that feels like I’m finally taking care of myself and all of my parts. It makes me feel proud of who I am becoming, maybe of who I always was.